i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
