Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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