i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish my penis had a tongue
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
