It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
