her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
