so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
