I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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