If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
