he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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