Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
