from now on my penis is your penis
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
