I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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