I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
