Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
