I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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