They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
