Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
