guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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