3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
