she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
