need another drink. this is the easiest way
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
