So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
