how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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