did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
