I will die if light touches me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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