when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
