You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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