dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
