The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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