Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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