you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
