Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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