Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize