You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
