just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
