All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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