this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
