I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
