ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
