Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
