It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
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I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried