I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.