dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
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And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat