Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
