i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
