Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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