I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
