Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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