It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
