i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
