He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
