so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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