No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
