She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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