It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
