my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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