I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
