just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize