Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
