i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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